With Christmas around the corner and lots of things going on my mind, I can’t help but to feel down. If many of you do not already know my story then maybe this entry will not make much sense to you. This year alone so many things have changed in my life. It is only natural for me to have a negative attitude but today I received a very uplifting email and I just wanted to share it with everyone because it has a lot of truth to it. Before my day started yesterday and actually let me back up, before everything I started with this “go get em” attitude and I was on top of the world. But then I fell real hard and for some reason haven’t been able to get back up ever since. Im on the verge of losing everything and I just feel like I have nobody to run to. Despite all the friends I have, all the support that has been sent my way I still feel like it can only get worse. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I said to myself, “You know if you keep a positive attitude about everything, it will all be okay. So I started to have a better outlook on things. Then yesterday happened and I gave up again. I looked at my son and couldn’t help but to think that I had failed him as a mother. The only person he has right now failed him completely. I started thinking about Christmas and how bad I didn’t want to be around people. Then how he would suffer and miss out because his mom is sad. Tears fell down my cheek as I told myself Id let his dad take him and Id stay home and lock myself up and hide from the world. I soon put those feelings aside and thought about other things, but still nothing positive. It wasn’t until today when I got to work that I received two emails from two special people in my life. These people are the reason why we shouldn’t take anyone or anything for granted, no matter how big or small.
Laura J is a woman I met during our Daddy’s Girlz conference a few months back. She is a talented singer, a humble person, and a very ambitious woman with the love and passion to spread the word of the lord. I thought her story was a good one because it really represents who we once were as women. Every woman’s story is different but when done the right way we end in the same place. Our throne that we forever belong on and I think Laura J is proof of that. Her email is bit lengthy to add to the journal but if you care to read it let me know and I’d be happy to forward it to you. The theme of the email was ”Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.”

This really hit home for me because it is exactly what I was thinking and where I am in my life. I started to think negatively and all kinds of things started to harbor and take its toll in my life. When we surround ourselves with negative, it is only natural that we see ONLY the negative things in life. We forget about what’s good and the good that makes us who we are. She says it best when she says, “Despite what we have been told in the past, simply telling ourselves something does not make it true. However, if we own the things we say about ourselves and then allow them take root internally, well then something is bound to happen. Just give it time.”
I think often times we want to see results in that split second. It is true that patience is virtue and while we don’t see the true meaning or reason as to why things happen the way they do right away, I am convinced that there is a good reason for it because the Lord would never put something in our course if he knew we couldn’t handle it. So it was after reading this email that I lost the negative attitude and decided to get back to where I was. I refuse to lie down and let the evil take its course on my life. I don’t deserve it and my son sure as heck doesn’t deserve it.

The second email is from a lady named Cece. She titles her email be blessed and be a blessing and she has most certainly been a blessing in my life. People in and out of our lives and the sometimes the ones that walk out we never miss. But this lady is one I will never let go and when her times come she will never be forgotten. She has such high spirits and always has a smile on her face.

The theme of her email is, “Don’t Worry”. It seems hard, especially during these times when all we want to do is make everyone happy, including our children with gifts and all that jazz. You know the important thing is that your family and friends are around you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I had a Christmas with no gifts, oh well! If I had a Christmas with no family, that would be a bummer. As Cece puts it, “So, even if the Christmas cards are late and 45 people are coming to your house for Christmas dinner, don’t worry.” It is probably a hard thing to do but your health will thank you for not worrying so much about the little things. Those who do give you hard time don’t really care about you and shouldn’t be affecting your life in such a way anyhow.

To anyone who has played a positive role in my life this year, I truly do appreciate it and I most certainly am a blessed person. For I would much rather have a group of five close positive friends than a group of friends who have never been there for me just like you all have this year. In the time of need friends, family, love, and the lord really can keep your spirits high. So I’m asking you all to keep a positive attitude and not to sweat the small things!

Happy????Thanksgiving

There is a lot to be said about the few days I spent at home during the Thanksgiving break. Im usually very excited about going home for the holidays. Believe me, with all the crap that has been going on here in Austin, I just wanted go 90 on the highway just to get home faster. However, I would have rather stuck a fork in my eye than spend another day in San Antonio. I should have known it was going to be bad when I found out my mom had almost nothing for Thanksgiving dinner. I was upset because I had to buy the stuff, but because last time I checked my mom nor my father were not mind readers so I didn’t inherit that from anyone else. If I would have known sooner I wouldn’t have been as frustrated as I was at Wal-Mart when I was stuck between a rock and a hard place as I had to decide between the 20 items or less or 10 items or less line, with well over 30 items. This too made me want to stick a fork in my eye. nevertheless I dealt with it because that was my only option.
Drove home Wednesday night and everything was cool but then my mom tells me at the last-minute, and because she found out at the last minute, that my sister and her kids and her boyfriend and his family were also par-taking in the festivities. I wasn’t upset just overwhelmed at the idea of having that many people there.
Twenty four hours and five headaches later I was in the worst mood ever. My sister never showed up once to help with dinner, she shows up like nothing is wrong, and then leaves without helping to clean because she was the guest. Apparently Im not a guest and I now live there. When my aunt pointed this out to her, she started crying and told my aunt it was my choice to do all of that. My other sister thought it was awesome to have friends over just before we are about to eat. As we are saying prayer someone asked for her and she was in the shower. JERK!
If it hadnt been for my friends I don’t think I would have been as calm as I was. Granted it could have been far more relaxing, friends just came through in a pinch.
Whilst in San Antonio, someone hit my car and drove off, found out I was tons negative in my bank account due to some bogus charges that I am still dealing with, and I became more disappointed with my family than I ever have been in years.
Needless to say it was a huge cluster fuck. And as Dane Cook would put it, “…cluster fuck and thats not a candy bar, ill tell you that right now. Milk chocolaty cluster fucks dont exist. Full of peanuts and fuck.” What is even more apparent is that I will not be spending Christmas at my mom’s house this year. I will not spend my entire christmas vacation cleaning up after slobs. Im sorry to say it but it is not my responsibility and if anyone wants to be mad at me for it, well they come to me and say something about it. I’ll give them a piece of my mind.
Jakob’s birthday is in a month and I have no idea what to do. Poor kid is the gonna be the “Here-your-Christmas-Present-Is-Your-Birthday-Present” Kid. haha Poor Jakob! Still searching for ideas…

FIN.

Purpose Driven Life_Day 4

Made to last forever

 “This life is not all there is”

 I read this quote and it sort of contradicts what a lot of people say and what I believe which “You only get one life to live, live it to the fullest…” or something along those lines.

 

Most of you are probably wondering what the heck happened to me and the 40 day journey. Well I can’t really say I have that much of a good excuse, because despite my crazy life I should still be striving to live a good Christian life. I will tell you it has been really hard and I feel like the further away I stray from the lord, the harder life gets. It’s not that I don’t believe in him, or maybe it is. I know it has a lot to do with not putting him first like I should. I see so many people who strongly believe and love Christ and accept him their lives and they seem so happy. I often wonder why I can’t have that. In retrospect, it’s because I have allowed evil to overpower what I really deserve to have in my life.

 

In chapter four or day four of the journey, the chapter teaches us that everything we do in this life is preparation for the next life which is our eternal life in heaven. Anyone who spends their life not being right with God is not guaranteed a place in heaven.

 

” Your relationship to God on earth will determine your relationship to him in eternity.”

 

It is things like this that make feel like maybe I don’t deserve a place in heaven. There are times when I turn the other cheek. Not because I am embarrassed or am afraid what others might think, it’s mostly out of laziness or this attitude of “Oh I’ll get back to it later”. One thing I’ve learned is that God never puts anyone or anything off. When I am in need God is there. I may not know it at first but I have never been alone. That is what bothers me the most is that I think that I’m alone and I hate that feeling.

 

I think that once we realize our lives are just a preparation for heaven it becomes easier to accept death as we know it. I won’t lie, I am scared of death. I once was scared that it was because I’d die young without having accomplished anything. Now there are times I am afraid of there being dark, nothingness after death. Many people do believe that. It really makes me so happy when I can trust that I will meet my God when I pass on. It can be hard to accept death because we see loved ones lying there lifeless and wonder where they are. I believe we have souls in our bodies and when we die they leave our bodies. Souls roam the earth and they come and go. I strongly believe there is something else besides this life on earth. For me this life makes no sense but when I know Christ is in my life, it all makes sense.

 

I looked into the website for this book and came across some discussions and found this;

 

“Years ago, Joni Mitchell expressed this in her song about Woodstock. “We are stardust (million year-old carbon), we are golden (caught in the devil’s bargain), and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.” We wouldn’t look for something we never had, or never knew existed. You can only miss something you once had.”

 

 

I think this makes so much sense. I know people who are just so ready to meet their maker. They want to rest their bodies and let their souls go and be free. I think being in heaven is being free; free from burden, heartache, pain, anger.

 

Also in this chapter, we learn how putting God first really reorders your priorities in life. I have learned from sheer experience. God helps you to see with such an open mind and everything else, the little things, seem not to matter anymore. You become patient, accepting, and forgiving and you are ready and willingly to show love and help others with a doubt in your mind. The key to this is what the book says, “To make the most of your life, you must keep the vision of eternity continually in your mind and the value of it in your heart.”

 

I think to believe in heaven we have to trust in the lord. It’s like the trust game. When you and partner are standing up and you have to fall in their arms in hopes they will catch you. God is like that, even when you feel he won’t, just give in and he will catch you. He will catch you and so much more.

 

Point to Ponder: “This life is not all there is”

 

Questions to Consider:

 

Why do you think God made us to last forever?

 

This question really got me and I can’t describe what I think. We have to believe that this is what God wants for us because we aren’t some piece of trash he created. We are his children and like any parent we don’t just discard those we love the most.

 

Why do we spend more time worrying about what won’t last forever and so little time preparing for eternity, which will last forever?

 

It think the best answer for this, is simply us worrying about here and now. We often hear thinks like “don’t worry about the past, you can’t fix what’s already done” or “don’t worry about the future you aren’t there yet”. This is true but shouldn’t it be said that we should work towards the future so we can have a bright one? ”An eternal viewpoint helps us make better choices about what we do with our day-to-day existence.”

 

What are you doing right now to prepare for eternity?

 

I feel like I could be doing so much more to prepare for my final day here and my eternal days in heaven. It’s a tough thing to live a life of pure Christianity. So many things try to push you off the road and lots of times you do fall off the path. I feel the most important is to learn from these experiences, move forward and never let anything keep from your eternal home. I strive for this every day. I know in my life time there will many things that make me believe otherwise. As long as I keep my love for God strong, things will be okay.

The Fallen at Ft. Hood

To the fallen at Ft. Hood

It wasn’t until I watched the speech that Obama gave today at Ft. Hood, that I realized how much more serious the situation was. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was a big deal but I watch the news all day while I am at work and with all the crap I see and hear I feel I’ve become desensitized to what is going on. I heard about Ft. Hood, I had my brief moment of fear, and then moved on. Today while listening to the president give the speech I learned the brief stories of those people who lost their lives. So many were young soldiers who knew nothing of war, while some had their fair share of war, and others had just a brief glimpse of war. I really was heartbroken to see how young so many of the fallen were. I touched on this in another entry when I said that tomorrow is not promised.  You never really know what the statement means until it hit home. While I didn’t know anyone who died that day, I really have nothing but tears because it’s a terrible situation.

I’ve never pushed religion on anyone that I know. If you believe, that is your choice. If you don’t also your choice, but it is times like these that I really hope everyone has made their peace with everyone and God. Whoever your God may be; for me there is only one and every day I try to thank him for my blessings he has put in my life. I say this to you all because you truly never know when your life can but cut short. Whether it be by some deranged gun man, a car accident, or a health issue. This life, and we only get one, is too short to hold grudges or be angry with someone for something they did. It’s too short to forget about those that matter most. It’s too short not to say “I love you” before you walk out the door. It is too short for us to have feelings of hate.

While we hate and take everything, including life, for granted, people like the ones at Ft. Hood have lost loved ones. Things like this should always be a lesson and I truly hope that everyone takes the time and just show respects to those families who did lose someone; a moment of silence, a prayer, anything.

To anyone who has lost a loved one and feel like their lives were cut short or to anyone who has just lost a loved one. My heart and prayers go out to you. For, as of right now, I don’t know that feeling. I do hope that when the time comes I have the encouragement from friends, and strength from God to move forward, because moving forward from such a tragedy is the hardest thing anyone can do.

You are royalty.

This entry has been long awaited by many of you,  while others will read it and not think anything of it. Either way I hope to make some sort of impact in someone’s life over the course of my life; not only because of this entry but because of things I want to pass on from what I’ve learned. As mentioned this entry is way past due and almost a month ago I was in San Antonio trying to overcome the biggest setback in my life (possibly, only time can tell if I will be set back again. I have faith that I won’t but anything is possible. I just need to be prepared). I was sort of busy looking forward not worried about what I was gonna do about it. I was in San Antonio for a church conference that really changed my life and view on so many things going on in it. It was called Daddy’z Girls and to be honest I had no idea what it was going to entail. I knew it would be something good because like house the Joshua House of Worship never lets me down. But I was going to be the photographer and also to partake in some ministry.  From the first night to the end I really felt something inside that was just so powerful. There were messages coming at me left and right and at some points I felt like I was the only person in the room, the lights were shining directly at me, and the speakers were speaking specifically to me.

When I described it to many different people they saw it as a “girl power” thing but it was more than that. It was teaching us self respect, self worth, self everything.  So many girls really just opened up and it was really empowering, motivational but also very emotional. I was surprised to see how many women shared similar stories. It touched me in a way that really made me want to hug everyone that had such horrible experiences. So I want to touch a whole lot on this subject but right now this post really was for one main reason. So I’ll have to get back to the subject in a different entry.

So recently (about 2 weeks ago maybe) a friend of mine called me and told me some really horrible news about her husband. I was upset and needless to say I wanted to go get her and take her away from it all because I have known her for quite some time and I know she has been through so much. I won’t touch on the subject because it really upsets but also because it is not my story to tell. But I will say that it made me think about the conference a lot and what I was taught. Now for her it’s different because she is married and when it comes to something as serious as marriage, simply divorcing is really not someone’s first option, at least for me it won’t be.  How much is too much? When is it okay for two married individuals to call it quits? Do you stick around to work things out and if so for how long? Marriage is a complicated issue for and it’s probably a reason why I am not married. I’d rather not go through the heartache of having the big wedding and it be all for nothing because of some issue that arose during the marriage itself.

The bible teaches us that God has someone for us here on earth. I really do believe that two people are meant to be together and if you let nature take its course you will find them. But you can’t say that person will be perfect. Problems will arise and you could face many obstacles. I think if it’s a strong couple they will work out it together. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, who knows the situation. All I am saying is this; if a man truly loves you, he will never put you in harm’s way. I don’t care if I said “For better or for worse” I don’t think I would ever stick around and let someone treat me like crap. I’ve been there and I can’t say it was years ago because it was months ago that I got out of my relationship and I’m still learning. More than likely I might come across another guy who tries to take me for granted and mistreat me. The important thing is to know when is when. I come from a line of women who stick around and “deal” with it and never realize how deeper into a whole they are getting themselves in to. Luckily, I have met someone people with so much wisdom to teach me right from wrong. Though they won’t be there to hold my hand every step of the way, they lead by example and I would love to one day be the same kind of person. It was because of the Daddy’z Girls conference, because of my good friend’s story, and because of my past that I take a stand. Ladies! We cannot let anyone treat us like we are garbage. Look yourself in the mirror and get to know yourself worth. You have no idea what you have to offer until you truly find yourself and believe in yourself. Sometimes we get down because of media and even our own families and we think it has to be a certain way. You have to believe you are worth more than anything in this world, and you deserve nothing but the best. During this conference we were taught to treat ourselves like royalty. Expect nothing but the best because you deserve it. No man,  no woman ever deserves to be treated horribly.

I am in no way condoning divorce because I do believe in “for better or for worse” but you also have know how much is enough and just walk away. It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do but believe me; things will pay off in the end.

FIN.

Day 3

What Drives Your Life?

“Everyone’s life is driven by something”

I couldnt have said it better myself. Otherwise what are we here for? I say this with caution because sometimes certain people are here for the wrong reasons and they let evil take the wheel and steer. This chapter talks about people who are driven by guilt, fear, resentment and anger, materialism, and the need for approval. Ill admit at one point in time I was driven by one of these things and sometimes by all of them at once. Sometimes I still am driven by fear, anger, and guilt. However, I know I am human and I have learned not to let them keep controlling my life.

In reading the book, something was brought to my attention. A friend of mine who is also reading the book wrote notes for himself on the side of the pages. When it gets into talking about fear driven people he circled the quote which read, “Fear-driven people often miss out on great oppurtunities” and said it was for me. I was sort of dissapointed because currently in my life I have choosen to walk away from a relationship. That is the hardest thing for me to do. Not only because I love him but because he is the father to my child. That to me is the greatest opportunity and I am not passing it up. I admit that our relationship ended many times in the past and I never left because I was driven by fear. The one time that I actually muster up the courage to move on, I get called out on it.

That is what I really like about this chapter because it talks about all the things people are driven by and I can recall atleast one time that I was driven by each of these things. It allowed me to see things that I never was able to see. Sometimes we are clouded by these things that drive us, whatever they may be. I think its really important to open up our eyes and our hearts and let ourselves be free. Free to do things for us and for our Lord. Nobody realizes that when you let God drive, he never ever leads down the wrong path. While the road does get bumpy, with him there are never shortcuts or deadends.

The chapter says it best when it says that your life makes the most sense once you realize your purpose. I strongly believe that, because then you realize you have EVERYTHING to live for. It also makes life easier because then you are not constantly stressing over what to do next. Just like God has a plan for us you should have plans for youself until your journey to the great beyond.

So, with all that said; Point to Ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace.
Peace is only way we should be living.

Verse to Remember: “Your lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you.”
-Isaiah 26:3
Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

I think that now they would agree that my son is my driving force. He is my precious gift from God and I would do anything for him. Id like for it to stay that way but mostly I want to be much more closer to God because I want him to guide and drive my life, for the rest of it!

Day 2

As some of you may know I have been a way for some time. Many things sort of kept me away from blogging and it wasn’t until I realized that those things also kept me away from my Lord. I was very selfish over the last few weeks and only thought about myself. I stopped putting my faith in God. I gave my book to a friend and I am proud to say that he has been reading it. He has many questions, but Lord, he has been reading. I saw this book and it reminded me of where I needed to be. So now I continure with my journey. Once again I will say that it will take me longer than 40 days but I know I will get there.

Day 2

You Are Not an Accident

“God doesnt play dice”
-Albert Einstein

I read this and at first I thought it was going to be hard for me to take in because for the last 25 years of my life I never walked this earth thinking I was a mistake or an accident. I did read this chapter and it sort of gave me a chill. It takes about one’s like having purpose and that everything is for a reason. I have been faced with this sort of “Determinism” as one would call it, and had been questioning it. Determinism says that everything is put into place at a particular time and for a particular reason, or something along those lines. It simply says that there is a purpose or reason for everything. For a long a time I always thought everything happened because it was by chance just a coincedence. This chapter explains the complete opposite and it makes so much sense. To think I was here because of chance is hard to believe. I can say I am a little lost and sometimes Im not sure why I am here but never that I was an accident..

What I enjoyed most about this chapter is that it ties in a bit of science. We all know the battle between science and religion these days. But it says, “the universe…it is uniquely suited for our existence, custom made with the exact specifications that make human life.” You know, some would argue that all that can be explained by science. Which is true, it can be, but either way we are here for a reason and maybe science can explain it but did anyone think that perhaps God created science to help us better explain things like our existence.? It is definately something to ponder and I refuse to believe that this Earth and all the beautiful creatures were just thought up out of thin air.

I’ll end on the best quote in this chapter and just meditate on it because I think it is so true

“Love is the essence of God’s character”

POINT TO PONDER: I am not an accident

VERSE TO REMEMBER: “I am your creator, You were in my care even before you were born.”
-Isaiah 44:2
QUESTION TO CONSIDER: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept.

For me it has always been hard for me to accept that I am me. Sometimes I want to be someone or something else because I think it will make me happier. I wish for better things because I think those things will make happier and I wish I looked different because then more people might accept me. In short, I sometimes have low self esteem and it comes from not being able to accept me for myself. It can hard for me to see the beauty that lies inside.

My 40 day Journey (Day 1)

It all starts with God.
“Unless you assume a God, the question of life’s purposes is meaningless”
-Bertand Rusell, atheist

In this first chapter I was really surprised by what I read. However, it makes perfect sense. Life has never been about me as a person. It should be about God because he does so much for us, why wouldn’t we dedicate out lives to him? This is not to be confused with what I think I wanted to do before reading and clearly understanding this chapter. “Many people try to use God for their own self-actualization.” Sometimes we look to God and ask him to tell us who we are but what we don’t realize is that all have to do is look to him. He is us and within us and everything that happens is because he wanted it to be that way. It doesn’t matter what the situation, good, bad, happy, or sad that is the way it should be. While you do many things through Christ you have to be able to understand your purpose.

So at the end of each chapter you are given a point to ponder, verse to remember, and a question to consider.

Point to Ponder: It’s not about me.

It should never be about you. God teaches us about love and love is never selfish and that is why it should never be about just you.

Verse: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16

Question to Consider: “In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not about myself?”

Here is what I think. As cheesy as it may sound, and I know you have heard it on more than one occasion, don’t ever remember where you came from. We always here that when let things get to our head and so people tell us “don’t forget where you came from”. It makes perfect sense to keep that in mind when we are around all the glam and glitter. I want to be a world renown photographer and while that may not lead to riches and expensive things, I think that the path I take to get there I should always keep God in my heart and remember that when I get there always, always give him praise and thanks for leading you in that direction because he wanted that for you. So to answer this question more clearly, in order to be true to ourselves and not be distracted but advertising, keep God in your heart and always turn to him in doubt. He is constantly reminding us that he is there for us.

OneLove

Can I lose him?

Someone should write a book that tells you how to get rid of a “baby daddy” in ten days. I can’t tell how frustrating this whole separation has been. I’m dumbfounded at how stupid he can be but more so how stupid he can be.  Most recently, he had the nerve to ask me if I would be willing to break my lease to live with him in this house he found. I was with him when he went to see it (it’s a long story) and basically he could afford it but won’t have much room for spending money after all bills are paid. So that was why he was asking me to come on alone. The best part was when he told me we didn’t have to be together, I could be his roommate. He really just wanted someone there for his kids. You want to know the funny part? I actually thought about it! I don’t understand this guy. I mean one of the reasons why I left was because I was tired of being his babysitter. That’s what it felt like 95% of the time. He was only home when it was convenient for him. I finally came to my senses and told him no because otherwise what was the point of separating. Other things like him lying about stupid little things have been pissing me off so much. It’s not that I care that Juan is seeing/fucking/dating/spooning someone else, it’s that I want him to tell me because of the one request I had. I don’t want Jakob near that person whatsoever. If he can’t be honest with something like that, how can I trust him with anything else? I don’t want to go into details about the whole thing but I had to pick him up from work and so he was acting really weird about things. He drops me off at my apartment and before we get there the car was overheating. I told him he was welcome to stay until it cooled down but he refused. He left but ended up coming back because the car went crazy on him. He came in to use the bathroom but said he was going to go the store for some ciggs. I knew by then he wasn’t coming back. He did call to let me know he wasn’t coming back and so I left it at that. I called him back because I told him I was going to need the money I put in gas back because I needed to pay some bills and I wasn’t supposed to put gas in the car. I had done him the favor because I used the car too that day.  When I had called him back he didn’t answer and never really answered the three other times I called him back. At 5 am his mom came knocking on the door asking if I could take care of Andrew because she had to work. I was half asleep so I assumed it was Monday morning and told her I had class at 9am. She asked if Juan was at my apartment and I told her no, so I knew he didn’t go home. When I finally came to, I realized it was Sunday and tried to call her back to tell her that he could stay but by then she was calling the mom. I didn’t talk to Juan until about 2pm that day and I asked where he was. Okay he said it was none of my business and he is absolutely right but because of how the situation went down, and because I knew he had marijuana on him, it matters to me what he did. If he is going to start doing that shit again, guess what, I don’t want him near my son. That’s why it matters and that’s why I gave him the 3^rd degree. He thinks I have this jealousy issue with him. Im thinking, “For real man?” I don’t think so! Not anymore I don’t and I refuse to waste my time on crap like that. I was so upset that I told him I just wanted him to stay away. I don’t want to see him! I really don’t, even if it means him not seeing Jakob. My heart just tells me he is never going to change and I don’t want him to hurt Jakob like he hurt me. I know all the times he let his kids down and I don’t want that for Jakob. I even went as far as telling Juan that I was going to get a restraining order on him. He says IM doing it all on emotion, and more than likely I am. But I’m being serious when I say, I don’t want to see him.

So right now, I guess I’m just asking for some advice/opinions. I know for some it’s hard because you don’t know the entire story, but maybe you can give some words of advice.

Mom Stuff

Time has been flying faster than I could have imagined. It’s been so crazy and now I’m getting the feel for what it is to be a mom. I mean I am busy 24/7! Before I used to complain about not getting things done for odd reasons and most of the time it was sheer laziness. Now I don’t get things done because of the baby. He such a crazy little guy but each day has been something different with him. He is now 7 months old and trying to crawl. Keyword being “trying” but it’s just the cutest thing and after talking to several people, I’m convinced I don’t want him to crawl just yet. One friend said, and I quote, “Danielle, you don’t want him to crawl he is gonna be all in your shit and everything”, while another friend of mine said that after they crawl they tend to not want to be in your arms anymore because they just want to explore.

If you give a kid a jar of food

Making Messes

You know I never thought I would see the day that I’d have a child and he’d be learning to crawl. If there is anything I have learned it’s that time truly does fly and there are not enough hours in the day to spend with your kid. As matter of fact I have been feeling rather guilty these days. All I do is work and or go to school and I feel like I don’t spend enough time with him. I always wonder if he senses that and then will experience separation anxiety. I thought that he was going through that one day that he was in the living room and I was in the kitchen putting away groceries. After he realized I wasn’t in the same room he started crying and when I would walk back he would start smiling.  I don’t know if he just doesn’t like being alone or what but it broke my heart.  So now my main goal is to just finish school and get this little business of mine going. This stuff is a lot harder than I thought but that’s another entry.

Jakob is doing lots of things as of late. Along with attempting to crawl, he’s been pulling himself up onto things and trying to stand. It’s amazing how the kid has a fear of crawling but standing is no biggie to him.  He also has been eating more jar foods which show me a lot of what he likes and dislikes. He hates sippie cups but can drink of a regular just fine. He totally won’t hold his bottle which I wish he really would! My all time fave is that he growls and screams on cue. It is just the cutest thing I have ever heard.  Him and I spent time at the Austin Children’s Museum and it was loads of fun. I don’t think its ideal for kids his age but there were a few things for him to engage in. We went on the bus and I’m more than sure his little mind was stimulated by the sights and sounds!

Old School Tub

 

In the lilly pad section of ACM

 

Huge Tree Little Guy

My little construction worker

Hey! Where is Jakob!

Im sleepy!

In about two weeks I’ll be in my own place and I have no idea how I am going to get Jakob to the babysitter and back home. I really don’t have my own car and I don’t think that I can even afford one at the moment but this too is also for another entry, you know fears and such. Lots of things have really been going on and change is soon to come. I think that for what it’s worth I’m really proud that I’ve stuck it out.

Anyway if I could cut this blog into pieces and rearrange the letters to make once sentence I’d say:

“Life is hard, being a mom is crazy, but it’s all worth it and I wouldn’t change it if you paid me!”

He likes to go out